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It’s A Boy!

April 22, 2011

Alternately titled:  I Do Believe in Spooks.  I Do Believe in Spooks.  I Do, I Do, I Do Believe in Spooks!

We’ve covered previously that I unequivocally believe in ghosts.  So it’s not such a stretch for me to believe in other supernatural things.  I’m not talking about vampires and warewolves (although if Eric Northman showed up at my doorstep I could be easily convinced of anything) but rather paranormal stuff like psychics and voodoo.

I do initially want to offer a little bit of defense for myself by saying that I’m still a discerning person.  I realize that a lot of people with purported  psychic powers are playing on human emotion and manipulating it to a certain desired outcome.  I know that they seem realistic but that’s because they’ve learned the techniques necessary to seem realistic.

But if you really do believe that there are some psychics out there then how the hell do you tell the difference???  Dammit, this is the problem with the supernatural.  We can’t prove that shit.

So anyway, my mom is at an astronaut conference in New Orleans this week.  Yesterday she sent me this message:

For those who don’t know, my stepdad has Diabetes (go here and donate if you’re feeling generous!).

I told her that I’m not pregnant and I know that for sure because just this Tuesday I was party to a medical procedure that I requested prison rape involving an ultrasound wand.  More on that tomorrow.

Apparently the palm reader said that if I’m not pregnant now I will be very soon.  YAY!

My sister yelled at me for being so gullible.  I told her that it was more just hope that it would happen quickly (since we just began ttc a few weeks ago [look at me using acronyms! pregnancy sites are all over the acronyms]) rather than me thinking that the palm reader KNEW.

Buuuut he did get a bunch of other stuff right.  He knew Amber wasn’t married but that her and Jim were “together for the distance.”

He said to my mom “Two of your kids never want to throw anything away and it drives you crazy.”  Hello, dumpster diver blog post from three weeks ago.

He talked about my mom’s new job which she was just offered the day before.

He knew she was on her second marriage.

He asked how much more weight she was planning to lose, and knew that she had lost a bunch already.

There’s other stuff too, but those things aren’t my stories to tell.  I also haven’t been able to actually speak to her and hear about the experience, I got everything through text.  So I’m looking forward to hearing the story this weekend at our Easter get together.

Until then you’ll find me on target.com putting together a baby registry for my little presciently forthcoming bundle of joy!

HOLY SHITBALLS!

March 29, 2011

So here I am, sitting at my desk enjoying a chicken salad sandwich and some Mini Delights Caramel Drizzle (have you had these?  They’re fucking fantastic) and checking my blog stats.  Ever since I’ve expressed my love for the Petite Lap Giraffes I’ve gotten a gazillion more hits than usual.

When I first saw this spike I think “Oh hey cool, maybe a couple of people will read other things” but didn’t really take note.  Well, I kinda bragged to Scott about how I’m going to be the most famous person in the history of fame but that was just to annoy him.  I may have pulled up the # of hits on my phone and wiggled it 3 inches from his face while we were laying in bed.  Maybe.  Really though, they’re not here for me, they just want to know if the mini giraffe is real (spoiler alert:  it’s not) so I get a bunch of google hits for a couple of days and then go back to my life of complete anonymity on the internet.  Totally not an oxymoron, right?

Then today I see that I’m getting referrals from the WordPress Dashboard.  Being the advanced blogger that I am, I stumble around my dashboard and the WordPress site for awhile trying to find what the hell is going on.  Fuck…I just went back to try to find where I saw this and I can’t even find it.  What a tard.  But wherever it was, I’m on the list of fastest growing WordPress blogs:

BLAM!  I’m number 91!  Eat that, 92-100!!

So I feel pretty awesome.

For a few minutes.

Then I realize that I’m a crappy blogger who doesn’t post very regularly and that I seem to write more about blogging than my actual life.  It’s like those annoying assholes who tell you all about how they’re going to rehab their house and they’ve picked out paint colors and looked at curtains and candles and lamps and loungers and rugs and shelves while you’re sitting at a card table and chairs in their barren ass house thinking “Never a better time than the present, chief!”  (Says the chick who got rid of her card table and chairs 3 months ago and still has big white spots where they re-mudded during her kitchen remodel in December).

So I feel like I’ve gotten caught with my pants around my ankles.  There are people coming to see my blog and THERE’S NOTHING EXCITING HERE!

I guess this means I’m going to have to begin producing content.  Shudder.

You People Only Love Me For My PLGs :(

March 28, 2011

***edit***

Because my blog is now dominated with searches for the much coveted Petite Lap Giraffe, I must direct you HERE to my original post about them.  But while you’re visiting you should probably sit back, grab a beer, and look around for a while.  It really won’t take too long as I’ve only been at this for a few months.  Who knows, you may actually enjoy yourself.  If not just keep your trap shut because I don’t like back talk.

Search Terms for 7 days ending 2011-03-28 (Summarized)

2011-03-21 to Today

Search Views
are lap giraffes real 11
mini giraffe real 7
petite lap giraffe 6
are lap giraffes real? 5
are petite lap giraffes real? 4
petite lap draft 4
are petite lap giraffes real 4
petite lap giraffe are they real? 3
petite lap giraffe real? 2
are there really petite lap giraffes? 2
how much are petite lap giraffes 2
real mini giraffe 2
are petite giraffes real 2
are mini giraffes real 2
lap giraffes are they real 2
“i don’t want” petite lap giraffe 2
cost petite lap giraffes 2
petite lap giraffe myth 1
how much is a petite lap giraffe 1
petite lap giraffes joke 1
petite giraffe real? 1
petite lap giraffe, real 1
big girls outdoor glamour shots 1
thanks to my mom different flavors of hershey’s kisses 1
are lap giraffees real 1
petite lap giraffe real 1
steven glansberg 1
irish carry grudges in noses 1
is petite lap giraffe real 1
“petite lap giraffe” 1
are there really petite giraffes 1
are lap girraffes real?? 1
petite lap giraffe direct tv marketing ploy 1
are the petite lap giraffes real myth 1
petite lap giraffes is it real? 1
petite lap giraffes real or not 1
is petite lap giraffe a direct tv marketing ploy? 1
petite giraffes real? 1
my glamour shots pics 1
petite a giraffe make 1
petite lap giraffe for real? 1
petite lap giraffes are not real 1
lap giraffes real or not 1
petite lap giraffe/ is it real? 1
petite lap giraffes, joke or real? 1
petite lap giraffe direct tv commercial 1
sokoblovsky farms myth 1
lap giraffes 1
is the mini giraffe real 1
lap mini giraffe 1
mini giraffe real? 1
petite giraffe myth 1
pette lap giraffes real 1
petite lap giraffes 1
are lap giraffes for real 1
are miniature lap giraffes real 1
miniature lap giraffes myth 1
mini giraffe for real 1
mini giraffes are they real 1
lap giraffe real? 1
is there really a petite giraffes 1
murph’s irish grudge 1
is there really a petite giraffe? 1
are the direct tv mini giraffes real? 1
real miniature giraffe 1
i want a lap giraffe 1
petite lap giraffe joke 1
petite mini giraffe 1
the irish grudge 1
are petite giraffes real? 1
“petite lap giraffes not real” 1
giraffe marketing ploy 1
petite lap giraffes, real or not? 1
snopes are petite lap giraffes real? 1
miniature lap girafes 1
mini giraffe direct tv 1
are plgs real 1
are petite mini giraffes real? 1
mini giraffe joke 1
petite lap giraffe – are they real? 1

On Family

March 27, 2011

Three blog posts in one week…don’t get used to it ladies and gents.  This one’s gonna be a quickie though, because I wanna take a minute to pimp out my mom.

I’ve talked about her blog a little bit, mostly in reference to how she was embarrassingly ahead of me in jumping on the social media bandwagon.  What I haven’t told you is that she is, among many other things, a great writer.  She’s not just good at one thing either…she can do humor (bonus: that post includes a picture of me), she can do mommy blogging, she can even do poetry.

She recently wrote a post about my little sister Jadie that set me to tears.  Which was a bit awkward since I actually read the post on my phone while I was out at a bar.  But I have plenty of experience reading blogs and crying inconspicuously at my desk so I was able to keep my tears on the down low.

This story acutely affected me because it was about my little Jadie Beth who I love with all of my heart.  So when my mom re-posted it as a note on fb my two aunts, cousin, and my sister all shared it on our walls.  I didn’t realize how far beyond my little sister the sentiment really went.  I got such great comments.

This is a beautiful and heartfelt declaration that your mom wrote. I can identify this with myself, as in the past I struggled with my weight everyday, and I can with the up most honesty say that when you are seen as “overweight,” you reall…y are invisible to a lot of people. I am sorry your little sister is going through this, but at the same time I’m very happy that your mom is addressing this issue and trying to see some change brought into the world about it. This really did bring tears to my eyes…I thank your mom for writing this.
I’m in! As a teacher myself, I try my hardest to make all students feel special. I think it starts with modeling what that looks like. So, for all of those adults out there excluding others for superficial reasons, there kids will do exactly that! Hopefully what your mom wrote will strike a few. Everything she wrote was dead on and it’s awful that innocent children are subjected to such exclusion. Maybe that one person can start a trend and eventually others will follow….hopefully!
Wow what a great story. I do believe in God and I believe his heart breaks ever time he sees this happen. And he wants to do something, and his vehicle for that something, is through us. We are his instruments of change. And your mom is right one person, one time is not enough, but each person every time would make a great change. Thank your mom for sharing this story.

And that was just on my post.  There were many many more on the other re-postings.  I really didn’t expect it to elicit that response.  I mean I thought it was great, but I post stuff all the time about bullying or equality or whatever and it usually only gets a few likes from the same handful of people.  So I was surprised and happy to see the comments.

Then, to my mom’s shock and excitement, The Bloggess, who probably doesn’t even need a link because she’s so blog-famous, read the story and linked to it on her twitter.  All of the sudden the post is blowing up.  There’s 45 comments!  She told me she’s even getting hits from StumbleUpon!  I’m so freaking happy for her.  Partially because I know she’s always wanted to grow her blog audience and this has given her an avenue into that possibility.  But mostly because the whole reason she wrote the post was to put a face and a name to the feeling of invisibility that so many children out there struggle with.  So here you are.  This is the post, called Little Sally Walker.  This is the face, and her name is Jadyn Elizabeth and she’s sweet and creative and beautiful.

My Husband Can Cook?

March 26, 2011

Today at my house we’re playing a game called Scott Cooks From a Recipe.  Now, to the layperson you’d think that this would be an easy endeavor, one that many have mastered with ease seeing as it’s all laid out there in black and white.  Don’t get me wrong, Scott cooks dinner about as much as I do.  It’s just that his cooking consists completely of throwing things together instead of actually measuring and combining ingredients in a prescribed fashion.  He usually does something like marinated chicken breasts and mac n cheese and broccoli.

I do plenty of that myself, but usually around once a week I’ll cook something from a recipe.  Most of them I get from allrecipes.com which I loooove because there’s such an extensive community of reviewers and most recipes even have recommendations for making the recipe even better.  Or I’ll look to the Murphenway Family Cookbook my sister got us as a wedding present.  It’s a compilation of recipes handed down from both of our families and it was one of the most thoughtful (and therefore best) presents we got.:

Murphenway is a combination of my maiden name and our married name...it's our unofficial family name.

 

 

"May your dinner plate be full of delicious food. May your table be full of a healthy family. And may your cooking be full of love from the recipes and traditions sent down through the generations. All my love, Amber"

 

 

So back to Scott Cooks From a Recipe.

He’s going this afternoon to pick up his new smoker so obviously we have to cook something in it tomorrow.  Scott’s a sales rep and one of the benefits of the job is that we get to use samples of a lot of the products he represents.  So this is a Masterbuilt smoker…oh shit!  I hadn’t seen it until I just went to link it, it looks sweet as hell and now I’m excited!  So yeah, the owners of Masterbuilt  cowrote a cookbook with Paula Deen and we got one to work with.  I guess they’re playing into that Southern mentality  because the cookbook is called “DADGUM…That’s Good!”  Pretty specific target marketing, eh?  But if Scott cooks with the smoker and uses the recipes then he knows more about the product and can sell it better and I get to eat amazing food.  Win/win.

Last night he told me that he wanted to cook a brisket, two full racks of ribs, and a pork tenderloin.  Now there’s two of us eating here…that’s a little bit of overkill right?  I told him that was a little zealous and he assured me that we could freeze it and eat bbq for the rest of our lives the week.  We compromised on one large prime rib roast and pork tenderloin.  I think it’s still too much but he’s excited and it’s cute so we went and spent a gazillion dollars at the grocery store to get the stuff.  (For those in StL…I usually shop at Shop n Save but we went to Dierberg’s because they have a butcher.  Holy hell that place is so much more expensive!)

Before we left for the store Scott was trying to evaluate what we needed.  But he was doing it from the comfort of the dining room table while I was trying to enjoy my Saturday morning waffles.  “Babe, do we have ginger?”  “Babe, do we have rice vinegar?”  “What’s black pepper?”  “Babe, do we have garlic?  Are you sure we have enough?  I don’t think we have enough garlic.”  Aaaaahhhh go in the kitchen and look for yourself you psycho!  What makes you think that I have our entire kitchen inventory laid out in my head??  So after taking every-single-thing out of the baking cabinet he was able to evaluate what we had and what we needed.

When it came time to actually measure out the ingredients that threw him for a loop too.  “Tsp is teaspoon right and Tbsp is tablespoon?”  To be fair, one of the recipes called for 1/8 of a tablespoon of garlic powder.  As if anyone has a 1/8 tablespoon to measure that out.  He then broke up a head of garlic, producing about 10 cloves and  asked “Should I just mince all of these?” when the recipe calls for three.

There was also no sense of organization.  He had the recipe on the dining room table, the roast on one counter, and all of the seasonings on another counter out of reach.  I suggested that he put it all within grabbing distance.  Once that was settled he seemed to fall into a much easier routine and I was able to take this adorable picture:

He said “Are you posting that on facebook?”

“No.”

“Oh.” (Disappointed look)

“Umm you want me to?”

“Yeah!”

I tried, but actually I can’t because for some reason fb mobile craps out on me pretty often and won’t let me post photos, so I have to delete and re-download the program.  Anyone else have this problem?  Either way, he can’t post it himself because that wouldn’t be cool, so he’ll have to deal with it only being seen by those who read my blog.

PLGs

March 24, 2011

Ever since I saw the DirectTV commercial below with the tiny giraffe I’ve been whining at Scott to get me one.  Because I think being unreasonable can be cute.  And also, who doesn’t love really teeny animals?

It’s been a running joke…he’s supposed to get me a mini giraffe and I’m getting him a hot tub that I’ve been paying off one nickle at a time on layaway for the past 4 years.  This is probably one of those stupid husband and wife things that other people don’t really think is funny.

 

Anyway.

 

My friend Sara knows about my love for the mini giraffe, so today she posted this link on my fb page.  GUYS MINI GIRAFFES ARE REAL!!

I now know that they’re actually called Petite Lap Giraffes, or PLGs for short, and I’m number 38181 on the waiting list to get one.

PLGs are available exclusively at Sokoblovsky Farms in Russia.  They like bonsai tree leaves, being indoors, and bubble baths.

“Petite Lap Giraffes are very funny animal that require special care. They need lots of love. Hugs and kisses every day. Otherwise they make tears.”

I want a Petite Lap Giraffe…I swear I will give it hugs and kisses every day.  I will make tears if I do not get one😦

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***editor’s note***

Much to my chagrin, Petite Lap Giraffes are not real.  I don’t want to mislead any readers.  When I saw the site I was about 99% positive it was a marketing ploy.  The other 1% was strictly wishful thinking.  So I did what anyone would do.  I googled.  This guy, among many other people, dispel the myth and are basically the meanest dream ruiners I’ve ever not-met.

Glamour Shots and Fat Girls

March 23, 2011

Lord please help me finish this post in one shot because apparently if I begin a post and save it as a draft I might as well roll it up, put it in a bottle, and throw it into the ocean.  Or River Des Peres, as the case may be.

I found a new blog yesterday…yay!  I was playing around with my boyfriend, StumbleUpon, and I came across a compilation of hilarious Glamour Shots.  Having been a tween at the height of the Glamour Shots era I remember begging my mom to take me.  I wanted what every tween wants; to be older (and to smoke cigarettes and be able to wear really short booty shorts, but that’s beside the point).  So for my 12th birthday we headed to the mall for a day of aerosol hairspray, cake makeup, and overtly sexy poses.

Right here would be where I put up a copy of my Glamour Shots pictures.  But for some reason my mother, who has scanned and detailed her entire existence online (and therefore mine by proxy), does not have the photo on her blog or her fb page.  Maybe she thought she was saving me from embarrassment?  MOM – I know you’re reading this, if you have it uploaded anywhere link me to it!

Instead you’ll have to settle for some Glamour Shots reenactments I did with my bff and her sister and mother a few months back:

I don’t think any of them will be particularly appreciative if they knew I put these up, but they don’t read this shit so oh well.  Is that rude?  I think it ignores one of the cardinal rules of nice blogging…something about respecting other people’s boundaries…I don’t know.  All I know is that these pictures are awesome and you deserve to see them, so I can’t in good conscience deprive you.

So anyway, back to the new blog I found.  It’s called A Whole Lot of Nothing.  She was linked on the bottom of the Glamour Shots post on We Know Awesome and after further investigation (ie – looking at the sidebar after pulling the site up from my history) it seems she’s also a writer/creator for that site.

So this chick, whose name is Angie, loves the word awesome as much as I do.  She also has long curly blonde hair and glasses.  And she’s about the same size and body type as me.  And she seems to have a similar sense of humor.  Honestly, I’m feeling really stalkerish after this paragraph.  I usually hate reading overtly suck-y up-y stuff like this.  Maybe that’s why I’m going nowhere in the blogging world; because I don’t fawn over other bloggers.  Or maybe because I’m not really a fantastic writer and I only post about once a month.  Who really knows the answer to these questions?

Anyway, it’s taken me 2 pointless paragraphs, 3 stellar pictures, and 2 more gush-y paragraphs for me to get to the point of this post.  And that is Angie’s post today about weight.  She’s getting over her fear and announcing her actual weight online (gasp!).  Here is my comment and opinion on the subject:

(Is reposting a comment you made on another blog in your own blog tacky?  Oh well, I’m tacky.  I’ll embrace it.)

I’m a thicky thicky thick girl myself. Although I can’t deny that I can be self-conscious about my body, I’ve never really seen weight as anything but a number. The way I look at it is that I’m going to look the same way whether or not you know that I’m 210lbs. The actual number means absolutely nothing that isn’t patently visible when I try and put on a pair of pants that fit last year. So I’ve never really understood the social taboo of bringing up weight. As if people are going to see me as skinnier if I don’t tell them the exact amount of poundage I have stuffed under my clothes? I say YAY for you and anyone else that overcomes this phobia and throws up their numbers for the world to see!

Part of our societal issues with weight come from the fact that we think we’re so different than other people.  We compare ourselves to this made up, idealized version of other people and, shockingly, always come up short.  That was the whole point of the article in Curvy Girl Guide called Women Getting Real About Weight that drew Angie (the newest love of my bloggy life) to post today.  Go look.  Check those ladies out.  Check me out.  I’m 5’7 210lbs.  And I rock this shit.

(Although as of tomorrow I will be rocking this shit from an elliptical 3 times a week like a healthy person should.)

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