Pumpkin is the New Bacon Mustache Ninja
Who the hell knows how a meme gets started or why some things spread like herpes on fire across the internet. But most of these things annoy me.
The internet took something I love, bacon, and turned it into a million different completely unnecessary bacon-y things. I can’t even be more specific than that, because the variations of these bacon-y things is so vast that it has almost turned me off of bacon. Bacon bra, bacon board game, bacon alarm clock (ok, that one might be a really good idea), bacon lube, bacon wrapping paper. Stupid.
Almost turned me off. But I’m dedicated. When I was in high school my stepdad was cooking breakfast and I was sneaking bacon off the plate as it came out of the pan. When he went to serve breakfast he realized that half the plate was gone. I accidentally ate an entire pound of bacon. Who does that? So it’s going to take more than a little annoyance to keep me away for good. I’ll still bitch about it though.
Then the internet went and took something that was already so disgusting that it’s associated with pedophiles and made it popular again. That’s right, the mustache. It’s gross enough on old men. Case in point, my dad has been rocking the mustache for almost three decades:
I let it slide because, really, he doesn’t know any better. We’ve been working with him on not tucking his t-shirt into his shorts for a few years now. So we let the mustache go because he’s emotionally attached and there are more important fish to fry.
When it’s someone from my generation or younger…revolting. Initially, I could handle the “ironic mustache” because the whole purpose was to make fun of a real mustache. Little did those etsy-loving indie kids know that their irony would come back to bite all of us in the ass. Now we have a whole new generation of upper lip squirrels that I have to look at on a regular basis. Thanks hipsters.
Lastly we have ninjas. This one doesn’t inspire the same hatred in me as the other two. I just plain don’t get it. The ninja meme seems to be part of nerd culture, which is probably why I don’t understand the allure. Not to say that I’m so super-cool. I love sci-fi and fantasy and comics. I’d loooove to go to Comi-Con. I just don’t get nerd humor. I’m a bigger fan of sarcasm and derision.
You know what I’m talking about…it’s kinda playful and odd at the same time. One of my best friends at work has this sense of humor. She says things like “I love your phone I just want to take it to my desk and lick it.” She also makes ninja stick figure theater on Post-It notes. She’s asked if she can put another co-workers brain in a jar. That type of funny is just foreign to me. If it were 15 years ago when that type of personality ruled the online world it would make more sense. But ninjas (and ninjas vs. pirates) have infiltrated otherwise awesome sites.
Now my news feed is filled with people jizzing all over pumpkin. Pumpkin spice somethings from Starbucks, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin beers. Hell, a whole facebook group dedicated to Pumpkin Flavored Things. Pumpkin Spice Hershey’s kisses? Gross.
I’m a huge proponent of pumpkin pie; I have nothing at all against the flavor itself. It’s understandable that there’s a pumpkin surge in autumn. I just hope that the internet learns from its mistakes and doesn’t drive the craze so far into the ground that I want to murder any kid that comes to my door dressed as a pumpkin on Halloween.
Sidenote: I learned a few years back that in other cities the trick-or-treaters don’t have to do anything for candy. Here they have to tell a joke or sing a little song. That’s what makes it so much fun to give out candy, the little kids are adorable. The rest of you guys are missing out.