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If I Do This You Have Permission to Kick Me in the Ovaries

November 8, 2010

I freaking love babies.  I assume it’s because I’m the oldest in a big family so when I was growing up there was a new baby around every few years.  Whatever the reason, I’m on that shit like a dog on a chew toy covered in peanut butter.  If there’s a little kiddo under the age of 4 around I’m likely hovering like pedobear, waiting for them to look my way so I can make a face and get an adorable baby smile in response.

 

Ok, technically that's a picture of me so I can't really make myself smile at myself. I just wanted an excuse to post a cute baby pic of myself.

 

 

This isn’t about how my biological clock is ticking (I’m sure that subject will broached soon enough) but just to give you a little background about how I’m totally not an anti-breeder baby-hater.

But I’m totally an anti psycho-mommy hater.  I hate women who offer nothing to conversation or the world at large other than their ability to shove a tiny person through their mudflaps and then talk about said offspring incessantly.  While it goes against my nature to attribute any characteristic to only one gender, this phenomenon seems to trump my desire to remain politically correct.

Which is why I looooove STFU, Parents.  Not only do I get to regularly read the asinine comments of these  cyclops moms with vision so selective that they can effectively disregard anyone or anything but their progeny, I get the added bonus of snarky commentary.

 

Calling out self-centered idiots, one post at a time.

 

 

See, I only get a couple of these nutbags in my facebook newsfeed.  The number one person being an acquaintance who recently had twins.  I kinda feel like I should cut this chick a break.  She had been going through fertility treatments for a long time and I know that that’s a stressful situation that also puts pregnancy and motherhood into hyper-focus.  But I just can’t feel bad for her.  The entire time she was trying to conceive her facebook posts were about which treatments she was taking and when her next appointment was and how much sperm they were shoveling into her vagina.  Which garnered anywhere from 8-25 comments from people telling her how wonderful she was and that because she was such a good person she’d get the babies she so rightfully deserved.

Then they get pregnant.  Hurray!  I’m legitimately happy for her because I can’t imagine having to go through the infertility process, I’d be devastated.  Lucky for me, no matter how far removed we become from the old country my family can’t seem to shake the repeatedly-getting-pregnant-by-accident trait so common among the Irish.

Anyway, guess what?!  Every single status is now about her pregnancy.  And then she has the twins and, surprise! EVERY SINGLE STATUS IS ABOUT HER BABIES.  Not only that, apparently that’s all anyone else wants to talk about with her because there’s still people fawning all over her for simply being a mother.  I just counted and the last 20 out of 25 posts on facebook have been about the babies.  That’s lower than usual because she went to a concert she posted about 5 times.

This chick is the worst, but certainly not the only offender in my newsfeed.  One girl I used to work with posted asking about worst pet peeves in regards to other people’s parenting.  Actually there’s no way it was that coherent.  She’s more of a “Wut bugs u the most that other ppl do to their kids that u would never do??  PARENTS ONLY RESPOND!!”  So when I saw that her and the rest of the 16 and pregnant crew posted such thought-provoking comments as “Put hats and socks on their babies” I had to respond and say that insights like those aren’t relegated to parents only.

Then she got all head waggy on me and told me I was being a bitch and that she didn’t think the opinions of the childless counted because we hadn’t been through it.  Which, in all honesty is true, but this chick was an asshole who lorded her single parenthood over people’s heads like a goddamn Medal of Valor.  She needed a swift kick to the uterus.

I couldn’t be the one to give her that.  So I told her that even though I wasn’t a parent and didn’t have the right to an opinion, I think it’s a shitty idea to post all of your deadbeat baby daddy issues on facebook and sent her a link to STFU, Parents.  And that was the first time I was maliciously de-friended.

So to recap:  Me=Awesome.  Babies=Awesome.  Psycho parents=Awesome to make fun of.  STFU, Parents=Awesome at making fun of aforementioned psycho parents.

“Woe Is Mom
Zomg! Life is freakin’ hard. Like right now, I’m getting ready for my friends’ rehearsal dinner and I still have to brush my hair, put on my dress, open the hotel room door, take the elevator to the lobby and walk three whole blocks to the restaurant. OH AND NOT TO MENTION, finish this beer that I just opened. That’s a humoungus task in itself!
I have a plan, I’m going to Facebook about it for a while, then implement a strategy that will somehow get me ready in time (even though I only have like 30 minutes…no breathing time at all, really). Maybe if I hadn’t opened this beer I would be able to do everything faster, but like always, I am now running super behind because I can’t drink a beer and brush my hair at the same time. So I’m probably gonna look like shit… again, like always… because I have way too much to do. SHIT!”

 

Alright so tell me awesome stories about people you know who do this.  Like this one.  Or link to your favorite STFU, Parents post.  When I first found the blog I went back through all of the archives and cracked up at those wackos.  I’d be happy to revisit some of the best.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. November 9, 2010 1:32 pm

    Hahaha! This made me laugh and think of my niece. I’m so going to have to send her these links.

    Not having kids doesn’t mean you don’t know squat about raising them. Being a parent doesn’t mean you know squat about raising kids either.

    • November 11, 2010 12:42 pm

      That was my thinking as well. I’m not saying that I have much of anything figured out. Even though I’ve been around babies and children more than most people, I know that I’ll be in for some shit when I have my own. But her holier than thou attitude was what pushed me over the edge.

  2. November 9, 2010 2:43 pm

    WOW so I’m surely going to hell. (and you probably are too)
    But this is freaking amazing. Thank you for sharing that link you just made my day.
    Also, my cousin is the biggest offender. Here’s a recent example.
    We’re not really close so I think I might post the link in her next update. Then I’ll probably be maliciously defriended too. But heck, apparently that shiz is good blog material.

    Point in case:
    Cousin (with obligatory profile pic of both kids):

    “would like to give a shout out to Clifford’s Really Big Movie for my clean(er) house and folded laundry. Sometime you just need an hour without your personal little helper 🙂
    Comment · LikeUnlike · View Feedback (12)Hide Feedback (12)
    7 people like this.
    COMMENT ON HER OWN UPDATE:
    well, I got the house picked up, most of the clothes folded, lunch made and out for an hour walk before naps. Now both kids are down for their naps and I am looking out over the living room floor and it honestly looks like I did nothing. …Story of my life…my kids are way faster at taking the toys out than I am at putting them away or making them put them away–pretty stoked to have a play room some day or at least kids who can be told to pick up and don’t need someone standing over them micro managing or physically guiding hands. Oh well–clean houses are over rated…or so I tell myself to make me feel better about not having one 🙂
    AND COMMENT #2 on own status: I have learned there is a point though where the house can get so messy it is just not fun to play in anymore. Like when you have a play room or the bedroom and every toy is out on the floor, then it just isn’t fun anymore. But I always error on the side of just enjoying them and cleaning later, they are way more fun than housework!

    Who freaking cares?
    ANyway, I ramble. Thanks bunches for this genius-ness. Off to STFU MOM meow.

    • November 11, 2010 12:51 pm

      We’re both probably going to hell for any number of things…this is just the latest.

      The author at STFU Parents gives out an award called “Mom’s Gold Star” for people who point out the ridiculous posts or actually say something legitimate in a completely nonsensical mommywhoring post. I’ve definitely seen Gold Stars where the winner directs the mommywhore to STFU Parents.
      A less confrontational way would just to be posting the link to the blog as your status and then saying something cryptic like “I think some people on my friends list could benefit from this blog.” If you do that then you’re casting a wider net and may offend some people but you won’t have to call out anyone specific. Either way, spread the word! These bitches need to know how ridiculously overboard they go.

      PS – Your cousin did the exact same thing the chick in the last photo I posted did. Sat talking about all of the things she has to do…while playing around on facebook, seemingly using valid time to do nothing at all. Although, I think we all pretty much do that…

  3. November 11, 2010 9:08 pm

    I would comment on this blog post, but I’m too busy composing a FB status about everything I have to do.

    Oh, wait – no I’m not. I’m sitting here eating pistachios, watching TV, and surfing the net.

    This parenting gig is EASY!

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