If I Do This You Have Permission to Kick Me in the Ovaries

I freaking love babies.  I assume it’s because I’m the oldest in a big family so when I was growing up there was a new baby around every few years.  Whatever the reason, I’m on that shit like a dog on a chew toy covered in peanut butter.  If there’s a little kiddo under the age of 4 around I’m likely hovering like pedobear, waiting for them to look my way so I can make a face and get an adorable baby smile in response.

 

Ok, technically that's a picture of me so I can't really make myself smile at myself. I just wanted an excuse to post a cute baby pic of myself.

 

 

This isn’t about how my biological clock is ticking (I’m sure that subject will broached soon enough) but just to give you a little background about how I’m totally not an anti-breeder baby-hater.

But I’m totally an anti psycho-mommy hater.  I hate women who offer nothing to conversation or the world at large other than their ability to shove a tiny person through their mudflaps and then talk about said offspring incessantly.  While it goes against my nature to attribute any characteristic to only one gender, this phenomenon seems to trump my desire to remain politically correct.

Which is why I looooove STFU, Parents.  Not only do I get to regularly read the asinine comments of these  cyclops moms with vision so selective that they can effectively disregard anyone or anything but their progeny, I get the added bonus of snarky commentary.

 

Calling out self-centered idiots, one post at a time.

 

 

See, I only get a couple of these nutbags in my facebook newsfeed.  The number one person being an acquaintance who recently had twins.  I kinda feel like I should cut this chick a break.  She had been going through fertility treatments for a long time and I know that that’s a stressful situation that also puts pregnancy and motherhood into hyper-focus.  But I just can’t feel bad for her.  The entire time she was trying to conceive her facebook posts were about which treatments she was taking and when her next appointment was and how much sperm they were shoveling into her vagina.  Which garnered anywhere from 8-25 comments from people telling her how wonderful she was and that because she was such a good person she’d get the babies she so rightfully deserved.

Then they get pregnant.  Hurray!  I’m legitimately happy for her because I can’t imagine having to go through the infertility process, I’d be devastated.  Lucky for me, no matter how far removed we become from the old country my family can’t seem to shake the repeatedly-getting-pregnant-by-accident trait so common among the Irish.

Anyway, guess what?!  Every single status is now about her pregnancy.  And then she has the twins and, surprise! EVERY SINGLE STATUS IS ABOUT HER BABIES.  Not only that, apparently that’s all anyone else wants to talk about with her because there’s still people fawning all over her for simply being a mother.  I just counted and the last 20 out of 25 posts on facebook have been about the babies.  That’s lower than usual because she went to a concert she posted about 5 times.

This chick is the worst, but certainly not the only offender in my newsfeed.  One girl I used to work with posted asking about worst pet peeves in regards to other people’s parenting.  Actually there’s no way it was that coherent.  She’s more of a “Wut bugs u the most that other ppl do to their kids that u would never do??  PARENTS ONLY RESPOND!!”  So when I saw that her and the rest of the 16 and pregnant crew posted such thought-provoking comments as “Put hats and socks on their babies” I had to respond and say that insights like those aren’t relegated to parents only.

Then she got all head waggy on me and told me I was being a bitch and that she didn’t think the opinions of the childless counted because we hadn’t been through it.  Which, in all honesty is true, but this chick was an asshole who lorded her single parenthood over people’s heads like a goddamn Medal of Valor.  She needed a swift kick to the uterus.

I couldn’t be the one to give her that.  So I told her that even though I wasn’t a parent and didn’t have the right to an opinion, I think it’s a shitty idea to post all of your deadbeat baby daddy issues on facebook and sent her a link to STFU, Parents.  And that was the first time I was maliciously de-friended.

So to recap:  Me=Awesome.  Babies=Awesome.  Psycho parents=Awesome to make fun of.  STFU, Parents=Awesome at making fun of aforementioned psycho parents.

“Woe Is Mom
Zomg! Life is freakin’ hard. Like right now, I’m getting ready for my friends’ rehearsal dinner and I still have to brush my hair, put on my dress, open the hotel room door, take the elevator to the lobby and walk three whole blocks to the restaurant. OH AND NOT TO MENTION, finish this beer that I just opened. That’s a humoungus task in itself!
I have a plan, I’m going to Facebook about it for a while, then implement a strategy that will somehow get me ready in time (even though I only have like 30 minutes…no breathing time at all, really). Maybe if I hadn’t opened this beer I would be able to do everything faster, but like always, I am now running super behind because I can’t drink a beer and brush my hair at the same time. So I’m probably gonna look like shit… again, like always… because I have way too much to do. SHIT!”

 

Alright so tell me awesome stories about people you know who do this.  Like this one.  Or link to your favorite STFU, Parents post.  When I first found the blog I went back through all of the archives and cracked up at those wackos.  I’d be happy to revisit some of the best.