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I Swear I’m Not That Lazy

February 8, 2011

I have a big problem with waking up in the mornings.  Not as bad as an I-hate-my-life-I-just-wanna-sleep-it-away problem, but worse than the usual wah-I’m-so-comfortable-I-just-wanna-stay-here feeling that a lot of people wrestle with when it’s time to leave the pillow fort and blanket cocoon behind for a Carnation Instant Breakfast and the sterile glare of office lights.

I’ve always been a sleeper inner.  I was the kid in grade school that had to run after the bus every day because I couldn’t get out to the stop until I heard the school bus lumbering down the street.  I looked like a scrub at school because I couldn’t get up in time to put myself together in any sort of reasonable manner.  I slept until the last possible second (and beyond) and then finally hauled my lethargic body out of bed and threw on the first thing I grabbed before brushing my teeth and bolting out the door.  Even in high school, when looking cute was of the utmost importance, my ass was in pajamas a good 75% of the time.  No wonder the boys weren’t beating down my front door.  Well, that and the fact that know-it-all chicks with loud mouths aren’t so much the high school boys’ fantasy.

It’s easy to chalk to that up to laziness or irresponsibility.  At that age it’s not uncommon to give in to what you want instead of doing what you have to.  Even through of college (round 1) I slept through my morning (and afternoon) classes.  At that point in my life it was even easier to blame it on an outside source.  Namely Bud Light and/or a love affair with my message board that would keep me up until the wee hours of the morning.  The last two years I was living in Tulsa I was extremely unhappy and looking back I think that the staying up late and sleeping in was also a symptom of moderate depression.

Here I am now, a full on grown up at 27 years of age.  I’ve proven myself responsible, if still a bit lazy.  For 3 years I took a complete college course load (round 2) while working 30 hour weeks at a restaurant.  I even made it on the Dean’s List my final semester (for the first time since fourth grade, holler!).  Although I still have bouts of mild depression when I become overly stressed, in general I love the shit out of my life and I have all the desire in the world to get up and LIVE.

But I fucking can’t.  Every single morning is an exercise in futility.  When I go to bed I tell myself that I’m going to wake up when Scott gets out of the shower, because that gives me enough time to be up and get ready and make it to work on time with at least minimal amounts of makeup and attention to what I look like.  I go to bed at a decent hour and tell myself that tomorrow will be different.  I know that I have to get up so I’ll be able to.

Then as soon as I hear the shrill beep that indicates it’s time for me to fulfill the previous night’s promise I justify why I don’t have to and begin the daily game of whack-a-mole with my snooze button.  The justifications are sleep addled and half the time they’re completely nonsensical and somehow tied to the dream I’m having.  As soon as I fully wake up, right as I should be leaving my house, my head clears and I get all pissed off at myself for letting this happen again.

Every damn day.  How do I make it stop??

I’m a resourceful child of the 20th century, so I google that shit.  Google can answer any question in the whole wide world.  They inform me that there’s a natural supplement, courtesy of Rise-N-Shine Inc (makers of other notable ingestibles like Go Away Grey and MenoPAUSE Chill Pills) that I can take before bed that has delayed release and will wake me up in the morning.

Google also pointed me toward an article in The Daily Mind, a site aimed giving “Eastern wisdom to make the daily grind more meaningful.”  They give such thought provoking tips like relaxing and going pee before bed, keeping your room comfortable and quite.  When it comes to actually waking up they advise that it’s best to wake up and exercise, breathe deeply, have something to be excited about and (my personal favorite) be grateful for not dying. Perfect.  I was going to hit snooze for an hour, but now that I realized I’m alive I have all of the energy in the world.

The problem with this site and many others I looked at is that they have tips for what to do before bed and what to do once you wake up, but nothing that tells me how to peel my eyes apart and put my feet on the ground.

I did find one article that seems to accurately understand the problem and even offers a way to fix it.  A guy named Steve Pavlina wrote a blog post titled How to Get Up Right Away When Your Alarm Goes Off.  He describes the bad decision justification really well:

The wrong way is to try using your conscious willpower to get yourself out of bed each morning.  That might work every once in a while, but let’s face it — you’re not always going to be thinking straight the moment your alarm goes off.  You may experience what I call the fog of brain.  The decisions you make in that state won’t necessarily be the ones you’d make when you’re fully conscious and alert.  You can’t really trust yourself… nor should you.

If you use this approach, you’re likely to fall into a trap.  You decide to get up at a certain time in advance, but then you undo that decision when the alarm goes off.  At 10pm you decide it would be a good idea to get up at 5am.  But at 5am you decide it would be a better idea to get up at 8am.  But let’s face it — you know the 10pm decision is the one you really want implemented… if only you could get your 5am self to go along with it.

The solution he offers is that you should practice getting up when the alarm goes off until it becomes rote memory and not a conscious decision.  Which means that when you’re at home during normal daytime or evening hours you put on pajamas (way ahead of you there, Steve) get in the bed and pretend that you’re asleep; you set the alarm for 2 mins from the time you lay down and basically walk through all of the steps of waking up.  I haven’t tried this yet but it’s really the only thing I’ve found that even acknowledges the poor decision making process that I struggle with daily.

The only issue that I see is one that pretty much pervaded all of the sites that I looked at:  you have to consistently go to bed and wake up at the same time each day.  That’s not really a problem during the week, but when it comes to the weekend I want to be able to stay up later and be social with my friends and I’m a huge fan of weekend afternoon naps.  Also, Scott and I are planning on starting a family soon and I’m pretty sure I could read the article aloud and explain the entire principle to an infant 20 times over and they still won’t give a shit that I need a consistent sleep schedule.

After more and more googling I came across psychology blogs and message boards with hundreds of people saying they have similar issues.  I visited a bunch of sites and saw diagnoses like narcolepsy, apnea, delayed sleep phase syndrome and a bunch of other disorders that I may or may not have.

One thing became clear though…lots of other people have this same problem and the obvious answer of “more discipline” may not be enough.  People spoke about how it began when they were kids and they chalked it up to irresponsibility.  But after awhile it became obvious that it was more than that.  To the point where they’ve overslept so much it has cost them their jobs repeatedly.  This is a huge fear of mine.  I’m late to work every single day.  At this point I’m lucky enough to have a supervisor who is flexible and isn’t super picky about what times I work as long as I hit my hours each week.  But that may not always be the case.

What can I do to fix this??  Oversleeping seems like such a silly benign problem to complain about; one that’s easily fixed with quick advice like “go to bed earlier” or “don’t allow yourself to use the snooze button.”  I wish it were that easy.  It’s like my brain is working against me and I don’t have the necessary control to do what I want.

This shit sucks, y’all 😦


Can I Do It?

February 4, 2011

My inherent narcissism is about this close to trumping my desire for privacy.

From the time I started this blog, a whopping 4 months and 20 posts ago (ok, only like 15 if you don’t count the one-liners), I wanted to keep it separate from my personal life.  I wanted to have the liberty to write about anyone and anything I chose.  Mostly because I like talking shit and I don’t want to have to censor myself so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings.  But now one simple little iPhone app has me reevaluating whether or not I really want to do that.


That whore.

I couldn’t have cared less about twitter before I got a fancy schmancy smart phone.  But now that I have the ability to share thoughts and photos on a whim I can’t get enough of that shit.  I’m in the early stages of what I can see becoming a crippling addiction.  I’m not the first to have this obsession, nor will I be the last.  That’s why twitter is such a whore; she makes it feel like the first time every time.

The problem is that I only have 17 followers.  About a third of them are bloggers that I read and enjoy who began following me when I followed them, a third are completely random and I have no idea how they got to my page (an Aspergers syndrome meet up in NYC?  Do my tweets seem socially awkward?), and the last third are a few of the people I met at a blogging conference I went to with my mom a couple of months ago.

(Although, I think I broke twitter etiquette.  I really enjoyed the conference and the people I met there, but some of their twitter feeds aren’t really what I’m looking for on a daily or hourly or minutely basis.  Some of them have different interests and senses of humor than I do.  Some continuously posted links, and that’s not really the type of twitter feed that draws me in.  For whatever individual reason I unfollowed them.  Not maliciously, but I felt guilty.  Was that a dick move?  If you’re reading this and I unfollowed you I do feel bad…but I guess my real response would be “Suck it, it’s just twitter.”)

It’s not really my lack of followers that has me wanting to come out, it’s my lack of followees.  I only follow two people I know in real life (Hi Mom!  Hi Kat!) and the rest are other bloggers and celebrities.  Mostly comedians.  Twitter would be much more fun if I knew of more people to follow.  The easiest way to do that would be to post on facebook.

And therein lies the rub.  My twitter account is linked to this here blog.  Which means that my real life people of all friendship levels, from besties and family to random people I’m friends with on fb but wouldn’t acknowledge in real life, would possibly read this.  I haven’t really written anything I’d be too concerned about yet.  But once you’re officially “out” you have zero control over who reads your shit.  Not that I have any control now, but I know that the majority of my readership comes either from carry overs from my mom’s blog or people who made their way here through comments I’ve posted on other blogs.  Which is pretty much nobody who actually knows me.

I don’t think I’ll ever post links to my blog directly on facebook.  But if I do post my twitter then anyone that goes to my profile there can follow it right back here.  Which kinda (hopefully?) means that only the more social media savvy folks would really be interested…and that those people are more likely to have blogs.  With 500+ facebook friends I’m certain that there are more blog writers than just the 3 I know of and I’m really interested in seeing who.  I enjoy reading about people I know.  It’s like facebook stalking with a thousand times more depth.  It may seem odd, but my own thinking on this little bloggie blog is that I don’t particularly care to share it with everyone (what?  that’s the whole point of a blog? *lalala I can’t hear you*), but for some reason I feel much more comfortable sharing it with someone else who has a blog.  I guess I just feel like they’d be less judge-y.  I’m always inclined to believe that if I think a certain way there’s a pretty good chance that plenty of other people think that way too.  Talk about narcissism.


So it seems that after typing this up I’ve pretty  much convinced myself to go public.  I really don’t think it’s going to be the big deal I’m making it.  I mean, how much attention do I think this little slice of heaven will really garner?  I’ll probably let the idea stew for a few days before I throw myself out there.

Until then, what do you think?  Are you an “out” blogger?  Has it made much of a difference?  If you don’t blog but like to read, do you tell the people that you know IRL that you read their blog or are you more sly and stalkerish about it?


January 14, 2011

I will never understand people who post a status on facebook and then after getting a response they don’t like say something like “Get out of my business!”

Things That Are Annoying Me Today

January 14, 2011

In no particular order.

1.  I was looking in the work refrigerator for my creamer (which someone had shoved to the back of the fridge behind a bunch of shit and turned on it’s side, effectively hiding it from view and pissing me off) when one of my coworkers squeezed past to get to the coffee machine.  I smile, move out of his way, and generally pretend like I’m a nice person who doesn’t want to kill anyone I see before 10:00am.  When I find my creamer I turn to the coffee machine to pour myself a cup, only to find that the fucker I had smiled at 30 seconds prior left the goddamn thing empty.  I am, by nature, a lazy person so I know the feeling of not wanting to make a new pot of coffee.  But I do because I’m not an asshole.

2.  People who treat the CC and Reply to All functions like they’re my grandma trying to spread the word of the Lord through sparkly emails.

3.  I do not give a shit if this week your baby is big as a pecan or a banana or a ballsack.  I also don’t want to vote for your niece in any sort of photo contest.  Basically I wish that people pulled their heads out of their asses long enough to realize that people all over the world have children and yours isn’t special or interesting to anyone other than their family.  Basically, STFU Parents.

4.  Those stupid Westboro church fucks who protest at funerals AND the people who continue to talk about them.  Yes, they’re some of the shittiest people in the country right now.  Obvi.  But the reason they do what they’re doing is because they know it will receive attention.  Anyone who insists on giving them any time is just catering to what they want.  Since we can’t have a public hanging, can we please for the good of everyone, just have a nationwide moratorium on covering their hate in the news?

5.  Snow.  And all the jerks who don’t have to go to school or work because of it.  Jls.

6.  Bureaucracy and paperwork.  Specifically as it relates to my 2009 tax return that I STILL HAVEN’T FUCKING GOTTEN or my student loans which seemingly can only be taken care of with 10 consecutive hours of my time and every scrap of paper that has ever touched my fingers.


I wrote this a couple of days ago and then didn’t post it because it had no real conclusion (other than an awesome song from Futurama).  I’ve decided to hell with conclusions.  My posts never have them and if you want to read my blog you can just deal with it.

Next You’ll Be Calling Me For Your IT Problems

December 7, 2010

Stop the presses…I am so technologically advanced that I can upload and embed videos.

My new-found technical capabilities are about on par with my husband’s video narration skillz.


Fuck.  Nevermind, I guess I don’t have technological skillz.  It came up as embedded when I previewed the post, but not when it was published.  So I googled “Embedded video on wordpress” and it took me to a site with instructions that had a lot of links and arrows and acronyms.  I’m too lazy to read/follow directions, so for now you get a link.

Well, um, Actually a Pretty Nice Little Saturday

December 5, 2010

We’re going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.

All week I’ve been pretty much off the blog radar.  Last time I posed anything of substance was Thanksgiving night, over a week ago.  I currently have over 200 unread blog posts in my reader.  I might just mark all of them as read and start fresh, because that amount of reading is quite intimidating and I need to learn that if I miss a week in the blogosphere I don’t need to spend every night the following week playing catch up.

I’ve been busy busy busy.  The big first day of my company restructuring was last Monday.  A bunch of us had to go into work the three days prior to that to make sure that the info from the old database transferred into the new database intact.  It didn’t.  I’ve been splitting my work time doing my part to help fix that and learning my new position.  It’s been a sink or swim training since we’re all so wrapped up in the new systems.  There have been times where I feel like I’m drowning but overall I guess I’m treading water.  I’m sure I’ll be fine in a little while, everyone is being helpful, I’m just overwhelmed.

Learning a new job is fucking stressful though.  I hate the feeling of inadequacy that I get because I’m not familiar with the position.  I can answer about 1 in every 10 emails without supervision and I don’t know how all these goddamn new databases work.  Between working overtime and the frustration of simply not knowing anything, evenings this week were a barrel of fun.  I’d come home with exactly enough energy to park my ass on the couch.  I didn’t do shit around the house, Scott took care of everything.  He’s that awesome.  So I repaid him by completely blowing a gasket on Tuesday.  I wasn’t so much fighting with him as I was purging all of my stress by crying uncontrollably at him.  It was my little gift to him for being a great husband.

Actually, as it usually is with a good cry, I felt much better afterward.  I was able to go into work with a healthy recognition that I can’t learn everything at once and nobody hates me for it.  Which I knew in my head, but I let the stress take over for a minute.  I realized after my tantrum that I was PMSing as well.  I’ve heard there are chicks out there who aren’t affected by PMS.  I’m so jealous; that shit turns my hormones ass over tea kettle.

Wednesday night I went to dinner with my lady friends and then came home and decorated the tree with Scott.  Yay 🙂


We spent this weekend clearing everything out of the kitchen for the remodel that starts Monday.  Currently the living room and the office are host to everything that usually belongs in the kitchen.  The clutter really doesn’t bother me but Scott hates it.  What I hate is not being able to make food here.  We knew it was coming too, so we didn’t bother going to the grocery store last week.  I’m not going to say that we usually eat delicious home cooked meals every night but not being able to boil spaghetti noodles or heat up some soup is driving me crazy.



Then demolition.  It would be much more awesome if we got to do demo like on those HGtv shows where they take a sledge-hammer to the cabinets.  But we have the sweet vintage metal.  So I didn’t get to feel like a badass.

The back wall.  In the future it will have floor-to-ceiling cabinets and our refrigerator.

Scott working on the cabinets over the sink.  The people who painted the cabinets just caked that shit on over all of the screws so they were a pain to get out.  After the remodel our sink will be in the same spot but the fridge will be gone and there will be upper cabinets, lower cabinets, and a dishwasher.

My sister’s boyfriend came over and helped us take the sink out.  Because of the water from the pipes and the electric from the disposal Scott thought we should call someone who knows more about that stuff.  Good thing too, because if Jimmy hadn’t come over I’d be the one helping him carry that monster down the stairs.

I don’t think that position would look very good on me.  Instead I just sat around in my Christmas pajamas.


Then we went to IHOP for…what do you call it when your first meal of the day is breakfast food at 2:30 in the afternoon?  A college breakfast?  Scott politely suggested that I change out of my Christmas pants before leaving the house.


We came home and finished the rest of the kitchen.  The refrigerator is now out in the garage (for an entire week I have to go out to the garage any time I want a drink of milk :() and the stove is in the dining room.

Soon this will be a half wall and with a breakfast bar.  The stove will be along the wall with the door and it’ll have a microwave hood above it.

And, to top off all of the excitement of an impending new kitchen, there was a registry event at Bed Bath & Beyond tonight.  They had a bunch of couples who had registries there come in and get anything leftover on the registry for 20% off.  We had a few gift cards and bunch of stuff from our registry that we wanted to take back anyway.  Not that the gifts weren’t great, there was just some stuff on our registry that we need more than an electric toothbrush.  So we went and got:

  • 4 big fuzzy bath sheets (fuck yes)
  • good cookie sheets
  • a colander
  • a wire shelf for the laundry soap, bleach, etc
  • cabinet organizers
  • mixing bowls
  • cooling racks
  • rolling pin
  • pizza pan
  • two pans
  • set of 3 decorative photos for the bathroom
  • the small plates and bowls to match the large plates we got (that I loooooove)

All for $57.  Bed Bath & Beyond hooked that shit up.  They even fed us cookies and gave me two new nail polishes and a dusting glove as a parting gift.  We still have a bunch of 20% off coupons a $25 off any purchase of $50.  Their customer service has always been so great, I’m happy to go back.  Even if it takes me two hours, a compass, and a certified orienteering specialist to find a muffin pan.


All told it was an awesomely productive weekend.  I wish there was more time in the day though.  We were supposed to go out with friends Saturday night but the exhaustion from a long work week and tearing down the kitchen caught up with me and I wasn’t feeling too hot.  Instead we ordered pizza, watched SNL, and I fell asleep on the couch.  But I think my level of excitement (and loquaciousness) about Christmas trees, kitchen remodels, and Bed Bath & Beyond pretty much solidifies the fact that I’m fucking boring these days, so at least I’m consistent.

Not Dead

November 30, 2010

Just overworked.  The desire to post hasn’t left me, but the time has.


Catch you on the flip side.

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