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Ugh

November 22, 2010

I feel bad that I haven’t been posting lately.  Not that there are a whole lot of readers to disappoint, but I feel like I made a commitment to blogging that I’m not fulfilling.

I’ve just been so freaking busy and overwhelmed.  I think of things to blog about but when I have time to sit my ass down I don’t have the desire to write.  It makes me feel like a jerk.

I have a tendency to minimize my feelings when I start to feel overloaded.  Plenty of people deal with a much fuller plate than me, so there must be something wrong with me for not being able to handle the comparatively small amount of things I have going on.

What exactly are those things?  Let’s lay it all out there.  I think that will help sort things out in my head.  Hopefully it actually is a lot and putting it in black and white will help me get over my feelings of inadequacy about being a grown up.

1.  Work – My company is going through a HUGE restructuring.  I began working as a temp in January at a position I didn’t much care for.  I really liked the company though, so when they continued to extend my temp position month by month I wanted to stay on until something permanent opened up.  Which, due to the giant restructuring, it did.  Awesome, right?  But the sheer size of this transition means that it’s kind of a clusterfuck.  Most other people who have the job I’m moving into have done it before.  They just have to learn the new ways of doing things.  I have to learn everything from scratch.  Which seems to be pretty low on the Company To Do List.  With great power comes great responsibility.  Including, but certainly not limited to, working 8+ hour days the Friday, Saturday, and Sunday after Thanksgiving 😦

You guessed it, I'm Spiderman

2.  Scott and I are remodeling our kitchen.  That was the one thing about the house we didn’t like when we bought it.  The cabinets are vintage metal and half of them have wire racks instead of actual shelves.  We’ll probably jack up the price and sell them to some hipster douche on craigslist.  There is a grand total of 5 feet of counter space, 2.5 of which is actually usable.  Most food prep is done on the flat surface of the stove and we’re constantly up in each others’ space.  Which means we never cook together because that kind of proximity forces me to see (and consequently analyze and bitch about) every single thing Scott does while cooking.  While the actual remodel hasn’t begun yet, the cabinets and counter tops are ordered and the new appliances are in the garage.  We still need to pick out paint colors and a faucet.  At this point we’re basically just waiting for our contractor to tell us the cabinets have come in so we can rush to clear out and tear down everything in there now.

{spot reserved for a photo of our darling kitchen in its current metaltastic state}

Update:

Zero color, zero counterspace

(sidenote:  I baked that pumpkin pie bread that’s on the stove and it’s delicious)

3.  I’m fighting with one of my best friends.  I don’t really want to get into too much detail on here, but she makes certain choices that piss me the fuck off.  She knows it too, it’s not as if I’m very good at keeping my opinions to myself.  She’s been going through a rough time lately which creates a difficult parallel…when things are going badly her decisions tend to be even worse but those are the times I try to keep my mouth shut because she doesn’t need my know-it-all bullshit making her feel any crappier.  Friday afternoon she was mad and lashed out at me and another friend, getting defensive over something we weren’t even upset about.  She was pushing and pushing me for a fight and it ended up happening.  I said something that really hurt her feelings.  It wasn’t malicious…I didn’t just strike out with a below the belt shot.  But I could tell right when I said it that it really bothered her, and apologized immediately for hurting her feelings.  I feel like I’m caught in a fucked situation though, because even though I hate hurting her, I honestly believe what I said is true.  That night she said she didn’t want to talk and she needed space.  But it’s now been four days and she won’t respond to my calls or texts.  I don’t think that’s ever happened in the 10 years we’ve been friends.  Initially I felt guilty for hurting her and I saw the problem as my fault and apologized accordingly.  Now that she’s unwilling to try to talk things out I’m just getting pissed at her.  Which doesn’t help the situation.  I’ve probably thought about it once an hour since we got off the phone at 3:00 Friday afternoon.

4.  My mother-in-law is having surgery on her sinuses Wednesday morning.  It’s not major surgery, she gets to leave Wednesday afternoon, but apparently the recovery is brutal.  So Scott is going to take her to the hospital and stay with her on Wednesday and then we’re going to trade shifts taking care of her with his brother and sis-in-law.  Truthfully, it’s not the surgery or the help with recovery that’s adding to my stress; it’s the fact that we can’t predict what her healing will be like and when we’ll need to be there.  With 3 other houses to visit on Thanksgiving day my brain needs a plan to function.  Two sets of divorced families means holidays are always hectic and any wrench (even one I’m totally compassionate towards) throws things off and creates stress.

5.  The goddamn fucking holidays.  I am so not a grinch.  I want our tree and lights up asap (not going to happen for another two weeks due to my awesome turkey day weekend work schedule) but no matter how much you love the holidays they’re stressful.  I have no desire to start gift hunting but I know it needs to be done.  I’m worried about paying for gifts in the midst of a renovation, even though we set aside plenty of money for the kitchen.  Basically the holiday season takes any stress and multiplies it by two.  Not enough to turn the average person into a Scrooge, but enough to make it annoying.  Like a low hum at the back of your mind that just puts you on edge.

So there you have it.  All the shit that is running like a hamster on a wheel through my noggin.  It really isn’t that much…I know I’ll get through it just fine.  I just have to grit my teeth for the next week and try and focus on the positive.

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